The Beginning

     I have been putting off doing a post today, partly because I was unsure which direction it should go. Hopefully as a write this post I will be guided by the Spirit and write what will let the Lord prevail. 

    I want to start off with stating that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. A lot of the things I talk about in the blog will be referencing terms that goes a long with being a member of this church. 

     I decided to start at the beginning, when and how we met, and go from there. I was going to BYU-Idaho and had come back for Christmas vacation and my off track. I started going to the young single adult ward in my church and made some great friends. After a couple of months I started to have feelings for a friend I was hanging out with a lot. I believe he knew how I felt but never really pursued me in having a relationship. I was very prayerful on how to go about this relationship. I remember asking Heavenly Father if I should continue to have hope in ever having a relationship with this guy. I felt very strongly to not give up hope. I prayed frequently about it because of the lack of response from him. Eventually we started dating, and we spent all of our free time together. Because of the answers I received from Heavenly Father, I was certain we were going to get married. After dating a couple of months I told him that I loved him, and that I was going to stay home from college to continue our relationship. The next week he broke up with me. I was devastated, because of all the prayers that were answered beforehand, I was dumbfounded on why we had broken up instead of getting engaged. I started to doubt myself in my prayers and what I thought the Lord was telling me. I stopped reading the scriptures and praying. I think this important because I want to show where my head was during the next phase.

    During the time I was dating this guy, a missionary came home. One of my very good friends knew him from their home ward and was very hopeful to start a relationship with him. I remember being mildly attracted to him while I was in a relationship and was horrified with myself and quickly stopped myself from thinking of him in that aspect again. 

    After my relationship ended, this guy started texting me and started to pursue me. After the break up I felt very unloved and unwanted. I had a hard time and felt very depressed. The attentions this returned missionary gave me, made me feel a little bit better, but my heart still hurt. I started a relationship with him just a few short weeks after the break up. I never fully healed from my first heartache. I felt numb and the only time I felt something was when he told me he loved me, and it was fleeting. I was so desperate to feel love that I deluded myself to believe I felt the same. Shortly after that we talked about marriage. We started dating in the beginning of September, were engaged by Halloween and the married in February. Needless to say it was a very quick courtship, with very little communication with the Lord, on my end.

    I feel like it is important to show the state of my mind, and how it impacted my marriage with my Ex. 

    I know because I lost my confidence in hearing Him, at that time in my life, I wasn't prepared for what was going to happen. I know now how important it is to continuously talk with my Father in Heaven and get His counsel.

"Our Father knows that when we are surrounded by uncertainty and fear, what will help us the very most is to hear His Son.

Because when we seek to hear—truly hear—His Son, we will be guided to know what to do in any circumstance." -President Nelson April 2020